Today was the worst day I’ve had in Edinburgh. To be honest it was one of the worst days I’ve had in while generally. I didn’t see any shows today. I didn’t do any flyering. A well-performed show was the only saving grace in an otherwise awful few wakeful hours.
I got out later than usual, wasn’t a good start. The late night for most of us before and slowed everything down a bit. I, having left before most others and not drunk much, went out by myself and left the hungover contingent to recover.
It was around 4.40 in the afternoon when I got a call. A call I had been expecting because the caller in question had asked me to be free for it. It wasn’t a good call.
Long story short, today my girlfriend broke up with me. I was paranoid that was what the call would be about when she messaged saying she needed to talk to me. For once, my paranoia was right. Still, it was all rather out of the blue; from my end at least.
It was an amicable termination of romance, all in all. Her feelings had changed. That was it. No one’s fault. Nothing either of us had done. That was just how it was.
My feelings haven’t changed. Given the choice, I’d want us to still be together. For the last four and a half months, for the first time in my life, I’ve been really truly happy. Something I never thought I could be before. It was wonderful, and blissful, and felt…well…right. And now it’s gone. Over in seven minutes.
She’s still a good, great, amazing person. She didn’t want it to end up like this. But people can’t help how they feel and, as she said, it would have been wrong for her to keep lying to me. I can’t help how I feel either. I still love her. I’m still in love with her. Very much so. And that’s how I’m likely to feel for a long while yet.
I think in spite of a lot of uncertainties, I felt pretty good about the future before. I don’t now. After Fringe is done, I can’t really see any brightness ahead.
There’s just nothing good to look forward to anymore.
I will persevere though, don’t worry. I know even the longest dark tunnels, generally come out into light at some point. I can’t see any light now but I’m sure I will. It may take a while. A long while. But I will.
I’m lucky I have a good group of people here with me. In particular that my Alex coincidentally decided to stay another day before the break-up occurred. I’ve done my fair share of crying today, not going to lie, but at least I’ve had some kind and reliable shoulders to bawl into.
Our show tonight was a good one. Not the best we’ve ever done by any means, but still something to be proud of. I have a job to do here, and that’s what’s keeping my head above water for now. After this is over…well, I’ll deal with that when I get to it.
Right now we still have two shows left. Time is fast running out if you haven’t seen it already, so don’t miss your chance! 9.20pm (1hr) at #SpaceTriplex, Friday and Saturday!